


You Don't Care A Bit

by jillothewisp (abbykate)



Series: Hide and Seek [15]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Aging, Attack of the second-person narrative, Grief/Mourning, John is 1000 percent done, M/M, Retirement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-10
Updated: 2013-01-10
Packaged: 2017-11-24 08:22:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/632385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abbykate/pseuds/jillothewisp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You get up, mornings. Not from that bed, you haven't slept in that bed since-well, since.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Don't Care A Bit

Forty two years.

You can remember it all, some things a bit better, which is sometimes unfortunate. For instance, you can't recall now what colour shirt he wore the day you married him. You can, however, remember very vividly the pattern of the dust motes floating through the sunlight coming through the window of the bedroom on the morning he died.

You get up, mornings. Not from that bed, you haven't slept in that bed since-well, _since_. Usually you nod off in your chair, or on the sofa. You think fondly of dying in your sleep, but it hasn't happened. So you get up, mornings. You make tea, you sit back down. Some days you check after the bees (you told him you would), but by and large the bees can take care of themselves. You sit back down.

You wonder-even though it's pointless-you wonder to what purpose your body obstinately continues to function. Not that it functions particularly well, to be sure, and that shouldn't be misunderstood–your eyesight's horrid, your joints are a nightmare (the hip, in particular, is a terror), your sense of _smell_ , of all bloody things, is going, damnedest thing in the world and something no-one ever told you about–you're not in good health. You're just alive. And you can't think why. God knows there's nothing to do. All the stories were written down long ago. You could read over them, but why on earth would you? You lived them. A whole life's exploits sits mouldering on your bookshelves.

Long story short? You are very old. Far older than you should be. If you live another year, you're going to be pretty put out about it.

And you try, you do try, not to think of him. Not to miss him. But you've never been very good at that, and especially not now, but it stings. It's too much like the other time, the hole in your life. And of course it's different-you had him for forty two years, he is actually dead this time-but essentially. Fundamentally. It's the same. You feel...cut adrift. Lighter, and that usually has positive connotations but this is a terrible lightness. It's a lightness that comes when something important is missing. Like how the body of a clock with all the inner workings taken out is light.

It's why you don't sleep in that bed any more. You don't-can't figure it out. You can't remember a time before he slept wrapped around your back. And that's terrible, too, how essential he was to you. How he got in, worked his way into every part of you. He ate your life. And you let him, and happily, but what are you now? You're a husk.

You can imagine no worse hell than this: to be old, and useless, and alone (without him). You can think of no better heaven than a place where he is waiting for you. You've never particularly believed in either place, but _Christ_. Anything, _anything_ is better than this.

It's gotten dark. You consider turning on a lamp. It occurs to you that you haven't moved in something like eight hours. It occurs to you that you don't give a toss.

You close your eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> FINISHED! Hide And Seek is FINALLY officially finished! We are NEVER doing this again! 
> 
> *Ahem*
> 
> Sorry about that. I've just been super frustrated with myself because I'm such a horribly undisciplined writer and it was up to me to wrap up this series and blah blah blah. I'm not convinced I couldn't have done better than this, but it's an idea that I've been tossing around for absolutely ages and it wouldn't make room for anything else. So.
> 
> Anyway, thanks so much to all the people who've read and commented and all that jazz. It was good of you, and sorry to keep you waiting for this last bit!


End file.
